I've been all over the map, feelings-wise about money. I think I'm "morphing" again over the place again.
By spending that $13 yesterday, my checking account balance is -1.50 (I'll make a small deposit today) even though my bank still says I have over $154 for those expenses that I'm not sure are ever going to hit.
Keeping track of the money I've spent this week was not a problem. I really didn't mind it at all because other than those two days, I haven't spent much. Just more annoyed there isn't more to spend or pay off debts. I also see it as a loving action towards myself.
But I am playing whack-a-mole again, because I'm having trouble on the GF diet, so that takes my focus for awhile. If I get that in order, then money becomes an issue. I've put men on the back burner for awhile because I don't feel like I'm bringing "my best self" into the picture. I'm a little lonely, but not in a horrible way.
I'm frustrated because the last two nights I've come home with the intention of further organizing my money. I completed all the tasks and homework from the coach, but there is more I want to do and just haven't. Over the weekend I was too busy with groceries. On Monday, I justified it that I deserved a night off. On Tuesday, I fell asleep at 7:30 on the coach and had trouble waking up enough to accomplish anything.
I had a dream last night about how I was supposed to go to Mars. My work colleague was going to the moon. I'm not sure why my work was suddenly in the space business, but there you are. I had been excited about Mars, but when we got closer to the actual takeoff, I realized how dangerous this was and started trying to back off, but I was too afraid of my boss' wrath to put my foot down.
Is this related to some kind of ambivalence about leaving my job? The boss has been on a rampage lately, and even though it hasn't been aimed at me, I'm really disturbed by it. She's killing office morale - 3 people have left in the last 30 days - which she was griping about "sure doesn't look good to the board and city council." Of course, she won't take the further leap and say she is a negative influence. I'm ready to get out of there, but am feeling some ambivalence about it and need to explore it.
I haven't progressed very far in my attempts to start my own Cash Machine, even though I spent two hours at lunch counseling a small business on marketing objectives.
Anyway, all these feelings get mixed up until I just sit there and do nothing because I can't determine what I want to do.
When I was at my mother's last week, my brother and I had a talk with her about what her next steps are. She keeps talking about wanting to sell the house that she and Dad lived in, but she doesn't know where she wants to go next. She kept on talking in circles. I also told her that I'd help, but I can't make up her mind for her. I said we need to decide what she wants to do next, then we can make a plan and execute to the plan. She said that she has always settled the small issues first so she can "clear her mind" to focus on the big things.
Problem is, you never get to the "big things" because the small things are endless and never move the issue forward.
Even though I'm really good at organizing, making a plan and sticking to it, I am not that good at it when it comes to money. And I've noticed how I have been doing exactly what drives me nuts about her - working on all the little tasks, but not going for the big plan. Ugh. Hate it when I become my mother.
Last night, before bed, I got out some tarot cards for grins. Sometimes when I'm feeling conflicted about stuff, it points out some good insights of what's going on.
In my tarot cards, the cards were all about "digging deep into the subconscious" and "money". How funny is that? I see that I'm on the right track there.
In my medicine cards, one card was moose - self-esteem and proclaiming who I am (which I take it to be writing on this blog and another message board); one was raven, the card for magic and deep subconscious work - again, the coaching. I also have antelope upside down which means dissapated energy.
Bingo.
I'm also trying to work on getting my vacation plans done. Mom is trying to give me frequent flyer miles and make those plans, but she can't settle on anything. So once we get a plan, I have to start all over and ask my sister and best friend if those dates work. I'm also having trouble finding dates that work with my job, my sister (LA) and my best friend (San Francisco) and my other best friend (Seattle). And then money is an issue there, even with the frequent flyer miles.
Ugh.
I'm just ready for something to pop and perhaps that's what all the chaos is about.
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